You, Wonderful You
Posted by admin at 13:18 | Filed In Build Self Esteem
A perfect stranger smiles at you in the elevator as you make your way to work, she says: What a great outfit! Thats a beautiful color, you have very nice taste. You stutter, stammer, and manage a mumbled Oh, thanks as she sails out the door, having arrived at her floor. You wonder what that was all about nobody says anything to anybody in an elevator, and nobodys ever said anything about your taste before. You wonder why, since it was a nice thing, youre so uncomfortable and you promptly forget about the interaction as you go about your day.
Youre nervously waiting while your boss gives your latest project the once-over. He nods, says OK, thisll do, and as you rise to go back to your cubicle, he surprises you with You have a good mind, you know before he picks up the phone to answer yet another call. You wonder, What was that about? and figure hes probably just patronizing you, whatever, so much for that.
Your sister calls Did you remember to get a present for Moms birthday? Not yet, you sigh, wondering what do you get someone whose perennial response to gifts is You spend too much, you shouldnt have. Youre always late with this stuff, your sister complains, What a procrastinator! Ill get to it! you snap back, Its not until tomorrow. You hang up the phone, disgruntled and vaguely upset. Her comment eats at you as you kiss the kids good night, watch some late night TV with your husband. Do you think Im a procrastinator? you ask the yawning love of your life. Hmm? Yes, no, I guess, I dunno isnt everybody? he says, Im to bed. And off the two of you trundle, he to a blissful night of profound snoring, you to a wakeful night of rigorous obsessing: Am I really a procrastinator? You review every possible circumstance in which you could have been procrastinating, finally get up before the alarm exhausted, miserable, and thoroughly upset with yourself.
Now lets review: two compliments and one criticism. You dont trust the compliments, think theres something fishy or shady about them, and dismiss them as something other than truth. You take the criticism, accept it as Gospel, massage it all night, and wake up with a profound conviction that you are scum. What is wrong with this picture?
Fear. Most of us are afraid of accepting compliments, enjoying them, absorbing them deep within ourselves, because we are afraid either that well become immodest or arrogant if we believe the good stuff about ourselves, or and this is often the more hidden, truer fear that we may have to live up to the compliment. Thats why its so much easier to lend credence to criticism: you dont worry about living up to criticism, youre already there, guilty of whatever sin (major or minor) youve been accused of. But compliments! Oh, my what if you now had to have good taste all the time? What if you had to demonstrate your "good mind" to your boss on a regular basis? Isnt that what would happen if you said, proudly and happily Thank you! to either compliment?
No. That is your fear of what might happen. In truth, when you accept a compliment with grace and enthusiasm, you accept the gift the person has just given you in a way that rewards them for giving you that gift.
The gift is for now, in this moment, something you can then put to use however you wish. Wow, I never thought about myself as having good taste. Gee, isnt that nice. Maybe I do. Ill let that float around my consciousness and see how it percolates. He thinks I have a good mind, huh? Well, maybe I do. Maybe I have gotten smarter somewhere along the line. Maybe I can learn more than I thought. Maybe Ill challenge myself to think a little deeper about things, see what happens.
No arrogance, no immodesty, just an opportunity to become more of who you could be--a chance to explore more of your own potential and discover more about you. Now, isnt that worth a joyful Thank you!?
Noelle C. Nelson, Ph.D. is a nationally respected psychologist, author, seminar leader and legal consultant. A business trial consultant for nearly 20 years, Dr. Nelson works closely with attorneys, management and corporate executives so they present a persuasive and credible case before a judge and jury. Dr. Nelsons books include The Power of Appreciation in Business (MindLab Publishing) and The Power of Appreciation in Everyday Life. http://www.noellenelson.com
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