Self Esteem: The Trouble With Me Is
Posted by admin at 19:28 | Filed In Build Self Esteem
The word esteem comes from the Latin aestimo which, literally translated, means estimate, guess or reckon. Therefore, when we talk about self-esteem / aestimo, we are really talking about an estimation of ourselves and not fact.
Yet this personal estimate controls everything about us and is called upon to interpret everything we come into contact with. We create prejudices based on our self-estimate and therefore create assumptions.
Individuals with low self-esteem will often begin the day feeling negative, worthless and possibly ugly. This builds during the day, as actions and comments from others appear to validate these feelings, perpetuating the cycle of negativity, frustration and anger. Where as those with higher self-esteem will often begin the new day with a clean slate, relatively speaking.
Low self-esteem is an enigma for those who endure it. On the one hand it is something undesirable that needs to be fixed but on the other hand the threat of fixing it would leave a void or if I fix it what becomes of me?
This then becomes The trouble with me is a catch 22 phrase that means nothing can be done.
Self-esteem is built during our infancy through to adolescence and continually validated into adulthood. There are many key phases in the development, but for the purposes of this article we cover the critical first three.
Phase 1 Infancy
In infancy our interpretation of the world is almost totally controlled by our environment and parents. It is common for the first born to develop self-esteem issues. For no other reason than their parents were faced with a new being without the aid of instruction manual. This causes stress in the parents and consequently stress in the infant.
Phase 2 Cognition
Cognition, as we get a little older we begin acquiring and processing knowledge. Importantly this is based on our own reasoning and perception influenced by the responses we achieve from those around us. We instinctively react to these responses emotionally which become key anchors in our onward development. Good girl / boy is obviously good as it teaches us the preferred behaviour in order to gain reward, bad girl / boy is necessary, when appropriate, teaches us how not to behave.
The child that does not regularly get either is left feeling a little confused and will try harder to provoke reaction of any kind. However, there is a catch, over-use will have the same impact, if you are continually being told that you are this or that, for no real reason, the child will be equally as confused. This confused state is a key foundation for developing low self-esteem.
Parental guide How to develop healthy Self-esteem from birth is scheduled for a future article.
Phase 3 Independence
As the child develops further he/she will seek to be heard even before speech is an option. At this time the first steps toward Self begins. It is often referred to as the terrible twos!
The same rules apply as in the cognition phase. Not being heard is the same as not being recognised as an individual and therefore not significant. Recognition and value are important at this time. The child begins to recognise and understand that the world is much bigger place, which is quite scary to them, so need constant validation and support.
By the time we reach adolescence our Self estimation is built and will be tested to the full. Everything is challenged and once again the reaction gained is critical. Without recognition the young adult will have no reference point, and therefore will find it hard to know what is appropriate and what is not.
Is there any hope for people with low Self-esteem? Many individuals who recognise they have an esteem issue will say that they suffer from it. It often leads to depressions and many other disorders. However, those who not have recognised that they have low Self-esteem will pursue relief of the symptoms and may never get to know where the root lies.
If this raises a question in you, you can take a simple quiz at eureka NLP to establish your Self-esteem level for yourself.
For those that recognise they have low Self-esteem, the journey to improve it requires thought and small steps. There is no magical pill or miracle cure but we can focus on changing behaviour.
The Dilts model Logical Levels is based on the work of Gregory Bateson (anthropologist) and Bertrand Russell (philosopher). It allows us to examine ourselves and indeed others:
Mission
\r Identity
\r Beliefs
\r Capabilities
\r Behaviour
\r Environment
With low Self-esteem, the trouble with me is:
I am ugly
I am obsessed with gaining everybodys acceptance/approval even if it means comprising myself
I am empowered by setting tests/traps for my partner to fall in toIs this love?
I am empty, unfulfilled and unhappy despite what is going on in my life
I never truly comfortable being happy
I am never good enough
Using the model, these statements all come from Identity
Reframing the statements has a profound effect on their impact. Quickly read through the list again and notice what reaction you have to them. Now lets reframe them:
I feel ugly at the moment because
I get obsessed with gaining everybodys acceptance/approval even if it means comprising me when I feel
I often feel empowered by setting tests/traps for my partner to fall in to whenIs this love because
I feel empty, unfulfilled and unhappy despite what is going on in my life because
I never feel truly comfortable being happy when
Reframing the statements into a question means there should follow an answer.
And in the answer lies the path to better Self-esteem.
Establish your level of self-esteem, take the free self-esteem quiz at http://www.eurekanlp.com/self_esteem_quiz.html
Or visit us at http://www.eurekanlp.com
Kevin is the founder practitioner at eureka NLP. Having spent 25 plus years in the high pressure, global world, of \"IT\" his success was based on the ability to communicate and gain rapport to great effect. His study and understanding of human nature was and remains pivotal in coaching others to achieve their full potential now. Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), provides the foundation of eureka NLPs practice, which began life in the 1970s as a Study of Excellence. NLP is now accepted as the coaching method of choice for those who want to release their full potential
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